I wonder if I can even call this a Rant... Oh wait, YES I FUCKING CAN.
I have tons of issues. Not gonna lie to ya. Some things were just never really taken care of by me or for me.
The fact that I had to clarify that things have to be done for me struck me as "WTF, This is my life I don't even whydoIevenbreatheandlivehangingonotherpeopleohmeohmy."
I have a list of sins that I am going to share today. Sins related to addictions and how fucked up I can be. Gonna be scary. Shield your child's eyes and send granny into the other room if you have to.
We all clear? Good.
My first sin is the addiction to other people.
When I was in high school I realized that I could stand being by myself on occasion. It happens. I was left alone in a house several times and nothing bad ever happened to me and I didn't need people, so I could handle situations clearly. Two years ago I had a very rude shake to my system about being alone. Being TRULY alone.
I won't blame my family for what happened, they are fully entitled to do as they please, but I found their actions to be the reason why I'm addicted to people.
Have you ever been in a room full of people and felt alone? It's not you going crazy, it's that no one in the room has acknowledged your presence. It makes humans feel uncomfortable if they're not being paid attention to in some way because we as humans are social creatures that feed off of other humans. So when I tell you that I was alone at home two years ago for Christmas and New Years... I want you to understand my full meaning
For nearly an entire month neither my mother or my father acknowledged my presence in their home. They were mad at me, desperately pissed at me and disappointed as well. In my own home I had no way of being with other people. I wasn't allowed to leave, my best friend was away to Panama for Christmas and my at the time boyfriend I couldn't talk to because every time I tried we ended up getting into some kind of "I miss you, I hate your parents" banter that made me sad. I finally broke up with him late one evening, after my parents found out some of the conversations we've had, and I was sobbing for days. Sobbing hard because I knew it was good for me to do so and I was sad and scared. I told my parents a secret... Because I was alone and afraid. I had broken up with the only man I thought I loved and I had no other friends right there to be with. I told my parents a secret I had been hiding from them for about 3 weeks because I was scared about it and because I wanted to be closer to them.
And they yelled at me and shunned me for a whole month. No talks, no conversations, no nothing. It was like I was nothing more than a ghost. A poltergeist, maybe even an unwanted bug. All I know is that they were not happy with me and not appreciative of my need to share a secret and be intimate with them. I ended up going back to my boyfriend because I was sad, guilty, and desperate for someone to love me and hold me like I meant something to them. I remember him holding me tight, his head against my belly as I sat down in his chair, his body between my legs, revering me and my presence. It was addicting. And I knew... I needed his attention. Desperately.
My second sin is my addiction to touch.
The only time I've ever been calmed... the only way I have ever been comforted, is through presence and touch. I'm not like everyone else. You can't call me or text me and expect me to be okay, I'm not okay. I need a hug, a hand on my back, arms around me and telling me I'll be okay. I'm not that strong. I'm broken, frail and if I don't have someone helping hold me together, I'm so scared I'll fall to pieces and crumble into dust under Time's might weight. As that's the case... Touch is a precious thing to me. And I adore giving out my affection to others. If I am truly comfortable with you, I will get all up in your grill and touch your body (not like that, you weirdo people and your gutter-brains), I mean I will touch an arm, a shoulder, a back, or your face to tell you that you mean something to me. Hugs are my reasons for living. If it weren't for hugs, I'd be dead from lack of love and affections.
**BUNNIES DIE WITHOUT TOUCH, PEOPLE; LOVE THEM!**
The stronger and more intimate the touch, the more I trust you. If I let you touch me in places I don't usually let people touch me (Lower back, the obvious, my belly, my legs, and my face) and I don't slap you away, you are my closest person and I will always trust you with my heart and friendship. I go crazy if I don't get hugs or hold someone's hand or just have someone next to me. I go batshit crazy... and it scares me when I do.
My third sin is my addiction to... yeah, sex. Well, intimacy, if we're going specific and correct.
I'm a sex addict, I'll admit it. For the longest time it was my favorite way of getting touch. It was deep, intimate, forbidden and very meaningful to me. I'm hesitant to tell everyone on this blog about this particular sin... Seeing as how it's a dark secret for me. But it's time that I learn to face my addictions, so here it goes.
Sex, for me, was the beginning of a very deep love, and the only way to comfort a raging madman who thought I was always going to run away and that I was never going to meet up to his expectations. I was complacent, I tried my hardest and the only way to perk his mood was to let him have sex with me and initiate it. By that point, it was fun and my only reason for being there after a very long time was to get rid of the horrible atmosphere. It was control, it was a way for me to lighten a mood and the only way I was going to be okay with it was to enjoy it and to use it. The meaning I kept in my heart, hoping one day it would be everything I hoped. To vain, the relationship died, and now I'm with a man who could care less about sex.
Fuck me (pardon the Freudian Slip) but that was a 180 degree spin the OPPOSITE side of the pole. Now it's a bit of a need and an addiction. If I don't get my addiction of touch, I begin to grow in my need for sex. It's a relief and it's an intimate form of touch that eases me. It tells me I'm wanted, it tells me I'm not an eyesore, and it tells me someone else trusts me intimately. Kissing, and touching THOSE areas, stroking, breath mingling, close together on a bed knowing that you enjoy my presence greatly... Those are the biggest parts of my addiction. It's intimacy more than anything that I crave. Sex is one of those things that are kinda weird to look at on its own, but they give me all the intimacy touches I crave I want and it's fun, so sex is just a broad term for what I'm addicted to.
Don't get me wrong, I don't hop from bed to bed looking for this touch. I get hot and bothered by love. I love who I love and only that person(s) (since I have had two partners now) can and will ever be able to touch me like that. (BAD TOUCH, BAAAAD TOUUUUUCH) Anyway....
Those are my main sins, God help me.
I have psychological and biological need for these things and it scares me that I've come to realize how and why I have these addictions. Should I want to temper or remove them, however, admitting that I even have an addiction is the correct first step that I should take... However, I'm so scared that I want these addictions and they're actually healthy, under some managing and reigning in. I'm scared because they're ways for people to control me again. To deny me to be near you, to deny me touch, and (for those special few) to deny me intimate touching will literally break me down a little. My trust and love is very precious, because I'm so broken. Now I understand why some people are so cold after they're hurt... they know that one more break will send them into a spiral they never want to go to again. And it sucks, it really does.
Trusting people is dangerous in the world we live in. No one is truly safe and no one is truly trustworthy. We're human, we make mistakes. We want power, we want control, we want our way and if you say "no, I don't", you're fucking lying to yourself, go see a shrink.
Tonight I hope to dream of the times I can be with friends and cuddle with the little soft reminders of being with friends at the fair and cuddle with my plushie that was stowed on my dashboard for me to find because someone loves me that much. Sweet memories that I don't always need touch, because it's there for me whenever I need it. Memories that I'll always have friends to hold me when I'm breaking.
God, it's good to be alive.
~Lamb's Witch
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