I don't think I've ever truly stopped to ask myself who I was or where I was going in life.
I've always had the answers to what I wanted to do, what school I wanted to go to, what kind of a person I wanted to become. But I've never really been able to pin down WHO I AM NOW and WHERE AM I GOING. And this has started to take a poll on my life.
When I was a kid, everything was planned out for me. I had no say, no choice, nothing to call my own decision. My decisions were tied with strings and my parents pulled the cords to make me dance to the tune they liked at the time. As such, I ended up becoming a very good girl with high moral standards and a stick shoved up my own ass the size of a cactus. ---Well I was a puppet, what else would I have shoved up there??--
Recently I've had a string of "what the hell am I doing" running through my head. What I feel like my own accomplishments aren't actually, truly, my own accomplishments. They are simply the result of other people's influence on me. Even though they are my decisions and my choices; one way or another I am still just a puppet that other people control to their own whim. I can't take credit for leaving my boyfriend last year, I can't take credit for going to therapy, I can't take credit for getting into Psi Chi, I can't take credit for managing to pass my classes last year, I can't take credit for anything, good or bad. And I have absolutely NO idea why...
I started this blog as a means for me to pour my heart and soul out onto paper in such a way that everyone can see my thoughts and understand me a little bit more as I try to understand myself. And this is a post I have long since been put off. Each paragraph, each sentence, is the structural thought process going through my mind as they come. Uncensored, raw, harsh, childish thoughts. I wish I was profound. I wish I had things to teach to others. But I simply am not strong enough.
Many of you who went through last October and November and have kept with me these past 10-11 months are probably raging and confused. I'll tell you... You are the only reason why I am still alive. The ONLY reasons why I even am here today to talk about this. I was so swayed by your words and your actions and your kindness that I didn't even think that the actions you were asking of me were wrong. They made sense, they were my guides to leaving. But they weren't my thoughts, nor my ideas. I may have executed those plans, but for some reason I can't seem to say honestly and have it stick that "I am the one who made that decision and I am stronger and better for it". Actually, quite the opposite... My thoughts and beliefs are the reflections of those around me. I remember the only time I was able to fight in my entire life against people and held fast to my beliefs was when I was still the stuck up Catholic girl my parents raised.
And I'm tired... I'm so, so tired of having these horrible feelings and not being able to know how to deal with it all. And despite the fact that I so desperately want to be my own person, I just don't seem to be able to find the type of motivation that allows me to be able to do what needs to be done. And the worst part is that my own shortcomings and misgivings are destroying my relationships with other people and even my boyfriend that I have come to love so dearly, all of them. I snap, I want to get angry, I want things to go my way and I want them taken care of immediately and yet there is no amount of reasoning in the world that allows for me to realize that I can't even promise that for others. So why the hell can't I do that for myself? After this week is going to be a lot of self-reflecting.
Is my relationship going to work under these conditions?
Will my friendships survive?
Will school survive?
Will work survive?
Will I be able to graduate on time like I should?
Will I have to do a shit ton of work later that I'm not willing to do anyway?
What am I missing that makes this such a big deal for me?
Why do I want to take an easy way out?
Is the way I prioritize myself and my life wrong?
How do I prioritize better?
How do I stop having those flashbacks that make me want to curl up into a ball and cry in the middle of class?
How do I release stress both normal and sexual without harming others or demanding more from others?
Where is my Will? What happened to the strong Will I used to have that managed to have all the answers for me and accepted "I don't know" and forgave? Where the hell is it now?
Now it's time for me to get up and try to patch up what I have destroyed another day and try not to let others distract me. I wish dearly that I will be able to fix this soon. This inability to think rationally or logically about things that actually need it. Because I'm so lost and I feel so lonely because this time... No one's words or decisions can help me any more.
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