A'ight. Tonight we are going to be doin' some word-play and analyzing deep shit here. DEEEEEEEEEEEEEP SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
Ya know, I have this really, REALLY horrible problem with looking at other girls and comparing myself to them. It's stupid, and unnecessary, but I don't care. I feel horrible because I cannot even fathom what their life is like while being that fucking BMI. Seriously. Or taking care of their skin like that. How do they have a life? How do they make their money? All the girls I know that make their own money by doing hard, dirty labor at retail or restaurant jobs have tons of blemishes that they simply cover up with make up.
And know, I hear some of you in my head saying "Well it's all in the way they present themselves to society." Fuck that shit. If you're really thin, got a decent face and decent hair, you're one makeup bag away from gettin' all the guys. Why? MEN ARE SHALLOW AND BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN DEEP.
Okay, not all men are this way, but most are. There is this really AWESOME (Sarcasm Detector: HIGH) thing we humans worry about and do all the time. We judge. And what's worse is that we judge on first impressions. So because I'm fat, overweight, not wearing the best/latest clothing that is skin-tight and reveals the Twins and my Hoochie, then I'm some kinda frigid fat chick that is too busy eating to get a life and get some sex. However, flaunt around some of the Twins and Hoochie and Imma tryhard fat chick that is flinging herself at any guy with a dick to finally lose her virginity.
You know it's true, stop denying it. Even we women do it too. I can't tell you how many women I've seen wearing next to nothing and thinking "Dayum, girl wants to get LAID." But (And hindsight bias IS very much in effect here, perhaps) I think it's all about clothing and representation. If you want a laugh about what NOT to wear (Because I don't have time to go through all the clothes that you SHOULDN'T wear.) go look at Jeff Foxworthy's Redneck Fashion Tips. It might save you the embarrassment of wearing something that is NOT flattering on you.
But in all seriousness, there really ARE some things that girls of any size should not wear. It's different, but it goes something along the lines of: "If it's really too big for your normal clothes, don't try to wear something that barely covers it up. If you want it to look bigger, pad that shit up with the right frills and fluffs." Works for eyes and it works for body parts too. But, to be honest, women are our own biggest critic. I know that if I were to wear the right things, I could look Oh-So-Sexy to anyone, but I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin because of what SOCIETY says I need to look like.
Darling, I could eat that model for breakfast. Even poor Demi Lovato and Jennifer Lawrence got PhotoShop Tummy tucks and instant tone-ups before getting slapped onto the covers of magazines. It's like: Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously? Those women are strong and nicely shaped and you're MAKING THEM SOMETHING ELSE? God, it makes me so sick. My BMI is 40.1, Demi's is 25 and Jennifer's is around 23. Demi is considered "Fat" and Jennifer is "Healthy" and you're reading a blog by an "Obese"-as-fuck Bitch. My issues are deep seeded. They may be my own fault because I allow myself to get this worked up over what other girls look like, but damn. If a hot chick walked past my beau (Or butch, I swing that way too) and they were FAR more attractive by society's standards, you bet your ass I'd feel insecure and threatened.
It took me a LONG time to let my man convince me that he loved me because of my sweetheart mannerisms and that he didn't care about my weight. But *I* Fucking care about my weight. It REALLY sucks to be big and have every girl check out my man's butt and give me dirty looks for holding his hand. Seriously? Get a life. I want to be pretty for me. So I finally feel like I don't have to worry about anything. Like I am the best I can be. I'm good Socially, Psychologically, Academically, and Financially, but not quite in the Physically and Spiritually. And those fucking bother me. Because I'm not the best I can/could be. And I know that I can't always be the best, but it doesn't stop me from trying and it certainly doesn't stop me from wanting to obtain those goals. Hell, even if I were close, I'd be totally okay with it. But I'm not even close.
Ya know what? I can't help it if I want to compare myself to others. I want to find a goal and continue comparing myself to it until I'm there, and these women are just my bits and pieces of my last goal. Lemme tell ya, my Man's last woman was a CRAZY hoe, but she was SMOKIN' hot. And the other one he wanted was pretty damn sexy and sweet, but halfway across the United States. And then there's little me.
Yeah me, with the curly brown hair, brown eyes, freckled face with blackheads and obvious imperfections and a fat body. I am truly and honestly surprised he can keep it up when we mess around. Even *I* find myself unattractive disrobed. Even with makeup on. EVEN WITH A $300 DRESS ON I STILL FEEL UGLY BECAUSE I THINK I AM UGLY. There. It's done. We are ugly because we feel like we're ugly. We scour ourselves for imperfections and mess up our views with our faults. It is so easy. So, so fucking easy to be a Debbie Downer about how we look. I'd like to be an Uplifting Annie for once and go "Okay, not my best looking today, but let's just put some coverup on so we can look fabulous for work!" Or some such shit like that. But nah, I like the easy route. That's why I'm fat.
I'm out for tonight. And I don't remember what the fuck I ate today, so I say I've failed to curb my calorie intake for the day.
~The Lamb's Witch
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